Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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