I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
