i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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