i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
