And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
