there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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