He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
