Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
