just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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