hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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