The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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