The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
