if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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