He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
