That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
