im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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