kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
