I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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