he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
