we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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