I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
