legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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