I just threw up on my dentist
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
