I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
