New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize