I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
