walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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