So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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