everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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