Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
