Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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