Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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