I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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