Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
there's paper in my vomit.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
organizing the empties. That sober.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
