I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
