My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
