I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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