last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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