I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Terrible idea I love it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
