4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
