Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
birth control should be required to get into college
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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