I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
