I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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