I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
