listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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