i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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