Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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