you would pick up someone in the library
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
cat food counts as protein by the way
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
