Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
