Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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