I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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