You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
