Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize