nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
