I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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