My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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