Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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