i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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