I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
