I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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