So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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