one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
