Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
