dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
